


When I Wake Up (You Won't Be There)

by liberalmage



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Ficlet, M/M, Memories, Post Beach Divorce, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4155759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liberalmage/pseuds/liberalmage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik Lehnsherr never loved anybody in the way that he loved Charles Xavier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Wake Up (You Won't Be There)

**Author's Note:**

> I was sad and I wrote this bye *hides face* (but somebody should totally do a remix of this from Charles' point of view just sayin)

Erik Lehnsherr never loved anybody in the way that he loved Charles Xavier.

He remembers his love for his mother, warm, something he can wrap himself in. But that would poke at him, scratch him like an itchy blanket, and it  _hurts_ to remember something that meant everything to him, something that still does.

After she died,  _after_ _Schmidt shot her,_ he didn't feel a love so strong for a long time. It was pain, and darkness, and the feeling like he got turned inside out and scooped clean of every bit of happiness he has. He was alone, broken, and believing God put him on Earth for the sole purpose of suffering.

He was ready to die. He was ready to drown with that goddamn submarine, not only drowning in the water but suffocating with the realization that he  _failed,_  that he wasn't going to be able to kill the evil man who killed his mother so many years ago, but he was going to die trying.

And then a voice in his head told him to let go. Irrationally, he thought, for a split second, that it was God - but God abandoned him long ago, and arms wrapped around him to pull him to the surface.

He fought with the strength he had left, successfully pushing away the man he would soon come to love, the one who watched him with wide blue eyes and told him, "You're not alone."

***

"Would you like to play chess?" Charles would ask. Erik would say yes most of the time, and they would do exactly that while drinking tea, or Charles' expensive Scotch.

Charles touched Erik a lot. More often than Erik was used to, definitely, especially in such an - affectionate manner. And he smiled like Erik was something to smile about, like he was happy just to be in Erik's presence.

The first time they kissed, Erik was hungry and desperate, grasping onto something he didn't understand and trying to keep it, afraid it would disappear if he didn't. Charles kissed to soothe, holding Erik's face and slowing the pace, letting Erik's hands roam without objection.

"Would you like to play chess?" took on a different meaning, and Erik said yes every time.

***

They never said 'I love you'. But Erik could see it on Charles' face, the expression foreign and unexpected, and Erik has no doubt Charles could feel it, tentative but strong, in Erik's mind.

***

Sometimes, when Erik can stand it, he thinks about Charles. Sometimes it's the way he had to reach on his tip toes in order to reach the top shelf of the cupboards, and other times, it's about the way he'd let Erik press up against his back and get whatever it was down for him. But they wouldn't be interested in that anymore.

But then his mind drifts and he sees Charles lying on the beach, crying in Erik's arms. "I loved you," he hadn't said, staring up at Erik and looking so utterly betrayed. And Erik felt the same fear and heartbreak he had when his mother died, threatening to drown him like he almost had in Miami.

"I loved you too," Erik hadn't said as he took Azazel's hand and left the only man he'd ever loved.

Now he wonders how Charles was ever able to love a monster.


End file.
